|Been a while.....
||[Jul. 13th, 2007|11:01 pm]
|||||dancing by elisa||]|
since i have even looked at this site, much less posted, not that anyone reads these, but you know sometimes it is nice to get these things off your chest. I am in a kinda weird mood, not depressed, not happy, somewhere in the range of contentment i guess.
its kinda funny, when i think back to the years past, sometimes i miss those days of ignorant bliss. I miss the days when i didn't worry about money, or how i was going to pay for my next car payment, or if my client was going to get their furniture in time for thier freaking 4th of july party, which i got invited to but couldn't go to because i had to work. Back when my mom still loved my dad, and when i still got to come home from school to a happy home, when my biggest concern in life was wether i was going to pass my math test on friday. Everything is different now, harder, stressfilled, taxing. but the weird thing is, i wouldn't change it, with all the shit that i have dealt with in the past four years, the only thing i can say is that i guess it has made me stronger. When my parents got divorced it hit me pretty hard, and i was a wreck for a while. In a matter of days i found out that my mom was leaving my dad, and my sister was leaving Brandon. Well you could have just dropped a bomb on me cause it couldn't have done more damage. For so long i had just thought that my life was perfect, my parents loved each other, i had a cool navy brother-in-law, he was my first brother and i liked him, i had a sweet car and great friends who i thought i would have forever. but in an instant everything changed, parents divorced, jamie and brandon divorced, car too expensive, friends move away, life changes and it is hard to get used to, especially when everything has always been so status quo for you. shortly after things got really tough, thoughts of suicide where commonplace in my head for longer than i'd like to admit, i used to drive to work or school in the morning and just wonder; would they miss me, would they cry at my funeral, would it hurt if i drove into that pole or off the side of that bridge. The one smart thing i guess that my dad ever did, was ask me to go to therapy, he thought i was having trouble with his and mom's divorce, little did he know that at the point i was long past that and was quite happy that mom had left, my problems were much deeper. Therapy was good for me though, she pointed out some things to me that i had long since overlooked, and it wasn't long before i noticed a change in myself, no longer shy and quite, like i had become after years of torment in high school, no longer the wall flower, i started forcing myself into the center of attention, and i discovered that i really liked it. I wasn't hot, i wasn't popular, but i didn't care, and i liked it. as time progressed wounds of the past healed and i started to be more of myself. It was sometime in December of 2003 i think, that i told an that i thought i was gay, and to my surprise, she didn't care. it was one of the hardest things that i had ever done, up to that point, telling my best friend, and as best friends do she was there for me and i can never thank her enough for that. with the confidence i gained from telling her i moved forward into a new territory. No longer afraid to tell friends, new comers, people i met at school, work, nothing, yet i was and am still afraid to tell two of the most important people in my life, my mom and my sister. People for years have been telling me that they know already, that they have known for years, and though i believe them and what they say, it still makes it no easier to come out and say, "I'm Gay", i dont know why, i am not ashamed, i don't think any less of myself, but still it makes it no easier. so the only thing i can think to do is to type this and pray that the right people read it. So here is what i have to say...
Mom, Jamie, I am gay, i have know for years, as have you, for a long time, i fought it, thinking it was wrong that it wasn't right. But you knwo what, though i am not a christian, i still believe in god and i believe he made me this way for a reason, he made me this way because he knew that there was a person out there, a person waiting for me. and the amazing thing is that i found him, well he found me, in this hige world of billions of people we found each other. And every day i am thankful for that. I have had a few loves in my life and with each i have learned something new, and the thing that i have learned with travis is that the only reason i wake up each day is because i know that i get to see him. I owe my life to him. He found me at one of th worst times in my life, dad kicked me out, i had no where to live, no one to cry to, no one to bitch to, and though i had only known him a short time, he let me do all of those things. He held me when i cried and told me it would be okay, he supported me when i needed supporting, he let me bitch and moan about how horrible my life was and never once told me to shut up, he just let me go on and on. He is my rock, and i believe in my heart that i am alive today beacuse of him. I will never in my life be able to repay him for all that he has given me, because even through the rough times he has stuck it out with me. I love him more than i will ever be able to tell him, but i will surely try. My life has been blessed, i know its funny to hear that with all that has happened, but through hardship i learned who i was and found a person to love, and if i were to die tomorrow, i would die knowing that i had loved and was loved and that my life had been worth living. My only hope is that every person in my life be able to love the way i have, be it only a minute, the love i have is worth it all.